Now that I have been ‘mercifully released’, I have an opportunity to say what I really thought about my last days at ‘That Place’. Here are a few jottings that may give an insight into why I was so pleased and relieved to ‘retire’.

Security Policy

Although in receipt of several reminders, I successfully avoided signing this iniquitous document. My reasons are as follows.

I do not believe that anyone would deny the Company the right to protect its assets from misuse. Indeed, it has long been the practice within the Banking community to behave responsibly towards the property, equipment, and information about employers, customers, and employees alike. This principle has long held us in good stead.

However, as a 'throwback' from the days when banking was still an honourable profession, I am concerned that, for example, a confidential or private telephone conversation between anyone and, say, Personnel Department, or anyone else, may be monitored and possibly recorded. Similarly, e-mails could also fall foul of such snooping, and I infer from the phrase (underlining also noted) "all forms of communication" that fax transmissions, sealed internal memoranda, and outgoing mail will also be susceptible to interception.

There is a view, to which I also subscribe, that clandestine eavesdropping without the consent of any of the communicating parties is a breach of Article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights which recently became enshrined in English law. To my mind, the Information Security Policy, as it is now worded, is a surreptitious way of forcing people to relinquish or 'sign-away' those rights. It could be perceived as falling only just short of installing hidden cameras and microphones in meeting rooms, corridors, stairways, and toilets, assuming, of course, that this hasn't been done already. An exaggeration, I know, but the principle holds good. Who knows where this could lead?

Further, any misuse of information gleaned, by whatever means, may have Data Protection Act implications, not least of which is the question as to whether such information has been "fairly obtained" in the first place.

It is just as true today as it was during my days in Internal Audit that "No matter how far you automate or how tight your security, in the end you will have to trust somebody." The inability of the thought police to trust staff says more about themselves and/or current recruitment policies and standards than it does about security.

I value my privacy, and try to respect the privacy of others. You will understand, then, my reluctance to give up my rights to Confidentiality and Privacy by signing the ISP document as it now stands. To my mind, the policy must include a written provision (on a separate, signed document, if necessary) that persons requesting or carrying out covert surveillance of staff activities and communications must a) have a good and lawful reason for doing so, and b) be themselves strictly monitored. One might also ask what sort of person would be willing to undertake such a morally distasteful task, and question their true motives for doing so.

The View From Milton Keynes

This is exactly as I received it, except that I have asterisked out the writer’s name.

Well I had a less welcome invitation today - an invite to "presentation" at the Abbey National gas chambers to be told I'm being made redundant. Sadly I still have to work for quite a few years before I can consider retiring, and I'm only going to get about £15k, so it's a bit of a worrying time chez ****** at the moment. Having said that I'm delighted to be leaving that hellhole and shan't miss it one bit. Highlight of the "presentation" was when one senior manager who was being laid off stood up at the end of John Hall's speech and sarcastically applauded him then walked out!!!

A Fable

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a politician or possibly someone in senior management".

Core Behaviours

Another oddity of ‘Manager Speak’ at ‘that place’ was the introduction of what they called ‘Core Behaviours’ by which we were all to be judged. Missing from the list of desirable behaviours were, amongst others: dignity, diligence, honesty, integrity, loyalty. Deduce from that what you will.

The Science Of Management

A major research institution has announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science, tentatively named ‘Administratium’. Administratium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of peons

[Home] [Office Life] [Manager] [Right To Reply] [Dictation] [Office Quotes] [Our New Logo] [English] [Resource] [That Place] [Quotes] [Oddities] [Contact]