TEAMWORK.means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look even more like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.

You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.

Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the behind.

Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.

If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.

Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their jobs properly.

Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under your desk.

Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow.

Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?

I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some bastard with a torch, bringing me more work.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

If policy is to recruit from within, where have all these extra layers of new managers come from?

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. - Fred Allen (1894-1956)

A filing cabinet is a place where you can lose anything systematically.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

A gram of image is worth a kilo of performance.

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer. - Dean Acheson, 1977.

A practised Toady has a 5% advantage over someone who simply does a good job.

A successful manager is one who can delegate all the responsibility, shift all the blame, and take all the credit.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he's supposed to be doing at the moment. - Robert Benchley

Be careful before you demonstrate a capacity for independent thought. Your management may become afraid of you.

I am not a resource. I am a person.

If a job's worth doing, an outsider will be brought in to do it.

If everybody's so busy, how come nobody's actually doing anything? (Actually, they're probably all holding a meeting somewhere.)

If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good.

In the long term, delaying or not making a decision nearly always causes more damage than making a wrong one.

Integrity is still the best policy - it just doesn't pay as much.

It's difficult to soar with eagles... when you work with turkeys

It's hard to look forward when you spend most of your time trying to cover your backside.

Job enrichment has been around for sixty years, it's been successful every time it has been tried, but industry is not interested. - Peter Drucker.

Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss. - The Who (Won't Get Fooled Again)

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organisations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate. - Dave Barry

Mistrust a subordinate who never finds fault with his superior.

Monday is the root of all evil.

No matter how far you automate or how tight your security, in the end you will have to TRUST somebody.

Nothing is so embarrassing as watching your boss do something you said couldn't be done.

Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.

Of course I don't look busy - I did it right the first time!

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. - Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

People who look at their watches when you arrive are never around long enough to see you leave.

Performance is important, but ingratiation does something more.

Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.

Photocopiers make rapid reproductions of human errors.

So many years - and what do you have to show for it?

Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.

The absent are always in the wrong. - Philippe Destouches, 1717.

The colour of your tongue is often more important than the colour of your skin.

The first myth of Management is that it exists.

THE GRAPEVINE WILL BE OFFICIALLY ABOLISHED.... But don't quote me, it's just a rumour!

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.

The secret of success is to start at the bottom - and kiss it!

The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win you're still a rat. - Lily Tomlin

This place is air-conditioned. In fact, I've never known air in this condition.

Time is money... Time-and-a-half is more money!

Time sheets are the mothers of invention.

To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy.

What's the difference between the Pope and your boss? The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

When someone is right behind you, it's normally because he's picking the spot to stab you in the back.

When the captain has run the ship aground, it's always the crew who are thrown overboard to refloat it.

You don't have to be mad to work here; but it helps.

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office. - Robert Frost (1874-1963)

Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?

You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober.

I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some bastard with a torch, bringing me more work.

Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.

There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go and work it out.

If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

You don't have to be mad to work here, in fact we ask you to complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.

If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else’s?

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