Things we learn from films and TV.

Old people get into their baths with swimming costumes on.

Planes have to fly behind trees to explode.

You can disinfect a whole bathroom with a single wipe of a toilet cistern handle.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

All single women have a cat.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to his or her back.

Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

Large, loft-style apartments in American cities are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

All aliens and foreigners can speak English.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts; your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one dancing around in a threatening manner until you knocked out their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

If you are a blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane, provided there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noise in their most revealing underwear.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigourously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readout's so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

American car tyres always squeal, even when on mud or gravel.

Policemen never lock their cars.

Never make friends with a detective. You will either be murdered or be accused of murder. Fortunately, in the latter case, your ‘friend’ will always get you off at the last minute.

At a trial, the real murderer will always be in the courtroom to confess at the last minute.

World War Two was won by 12 convicted criminals.

The boss of a drug dealing gang will always have a psychopathic brother with a greasy ponytail.

Stair lifts are so slow that you’ll have wet yourself by the time they get to the top.

 

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