The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747 crew) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now"

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

Yesterday, a friend was travelling on a Paris to London flight. A man of Arabic appearance got off the plane and my friend noticed that he had left his bag behind. She grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the terminal and handed him back his bag. He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of money. He looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to with a word of advice for you: Stay away from Liverpool".

My friend was genuinely terrified. "Is there going to be a terrorist attack?" she asked him. "No ... ", he whispered back...... "It's a shithole."

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT?? What was that?" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.  We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?" I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having it tonight either.

added 10/9/2005

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault. "

added 10/9/2005

Two tramps are sleeping in a graveyard and start reading the gravestones. Wow!says one tramp.'This bloke was 182 years old. 'Really? says the other 'what was his name?' 'Miles from London'

 added 09/02/2005

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied. "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does!"

 added 09/02/2005

An officer in the U.S. Naval reserve was attending a conference that included admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French Navy. At a cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included personnel from both Navies. The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you speak French?" Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you would not have to speak German. The group became silent.

 added 09/02/2005

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, but it's state of the art."

"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"

Twelve thirty."

added 20/5/2003

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws.”

added 20/5/2003

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

added 20/5/2003

After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, doctor, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also has been known to work in Birmingham, Manchester, Belfast, Glasgow, Swansea, Canvey, Colchester, and Vange in Essex.

added 20/5/2003

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

added 1/3/2003

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for your not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy at the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

It took 15 minutes for the class to come to order

added 18/2/2003

A shepherd was looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a young man dressed in an Armani suit, Ray Bans, Tag Heuer watch, White Cerutti shoes, tailor-made mauve shirt, with a Boss tie. He gets out and asks the shepherd “If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I keep one?” The shepherd looks at the large flock of sheep and says “Okay”. The young man connects his laptop to his mobile phone/fax, enters the NASA web site, scans the field using his GPS, opens the database linked to 60 Excel tables, filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high tech mini printer. He studies the reports and says to the shepherd 'You have 1586 sheep'.

The shepherd replies, "That's correct. You can have the pick of my flock." The young man packs away his equipment, looks at the flock and puts one into the boot of the Porsche. As he is about to leave, the Shepherd says, "If I can guess what your profession is will you return the animal to me?” The young man thinks for a minute and says “Okay.” The shepherd says “You are a Management Consultant”. The young man says “Correct, how did you know?” The Shepherd replied, “Simple. First you came here without being invited. Second you charge me a fee for something I already knew. Third, you don't understand anything about my business. Now, can I have my dog back?”

added 12/2/2003

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

added 8/2/2003

Sarah, the church gossip, busybody and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house... and left it there all night.

added 8/2/2003

HUSBAND : I've just heard that our milkman has slept with every woman in our street except one. WIFE : I bet it's that snobby cow at no. 12

added 8/2/2003

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has had getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client placed the ball in his mouth, and the barber proceeded with the closest shave the man had ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asked in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," said the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.”

Added 8/2/2003

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington Chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was "so profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats). One student wrote the following answer:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that: "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given.

added 6/2/2003

A senior government minister is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a you take your place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

The minister is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the minister moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee, sleekit, cowerin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an' chase thee, wi' murdering prattle!"

Now seriously troubled, the minister turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "What kind of facility is this? A mental ward?" "No", replies the doctor "This is the serious Burns unit."

added 6/2/2003

Alaskan Christmas

Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road.......Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00..." "Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you. As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem," says Sam. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em." Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Sam says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's really not a problem," says Sam, laughing. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?" Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us.

added 6/2/2003

According to a news report, a certain private school in Edinburgh recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the caretaker would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the head decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the caretaker. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the caretaker who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the caretaker to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

Defence Attorney: “Will you please state your age?”

Little Old Lady:  “I am 85 years old.”

Defence Attorney: “Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened on the night of April 1st?”

Little Old Lady: “There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.”

Defence Attorney; “Did you know him?”

Little Old Lady; “No but he sure was friendly.”

Defence Attorney: “What happened after he sat down?”

Little Old Lady: “He started to rub my thigh.”

Defence Attorney; “Did you stop him?”

Little Old Lady: “No, I didn’t stop him.”

Defence Attorney: “Why not?”

Little Old Lady: “It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.”

Defence Attorney: “What happened next?”

Little Old Lady: “He began to caress my breasts.”

Defence Attorney: “Did you stop him then?”

Little Old Lady: “No, I didn’t stop him.”

Defence Attorney: “Why not?”

Little Old Lady: “His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years.”

Defence Attorney: “What happened next?”

Little Old Lady: “Well, by then, I was feeling really so randy that I just laid down and told him, Take me young man, Take me!”

Defence Attorney: “And did he take you?”

Little Old Lady: “Hell no, he just yelled, ‘APRIL FOOL!’, and that’s when I shot the little bastard.”

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