When I retired, it was pointed out to me that not only would my life-style change, but I would have to acquire a new set of skills. Here are some of their suggestions. Please send me yours.

Weaving all over the pavement / ambling across the road at a snail's pace, yet mysteriously being able to move at the speed of light when you hear the phrase "Would you like to come round to this till".

Buy a pair of grey shoes with matching belt, or the beige nylon jacket with matching flat cap.

Stopping dead on the narrowest part of the pavement on a Saturday morning, spending ages at the supermarket till looking for small change: "I'm sure I've got the right money 'ere." Variation: stopping in the narrowest part of the entrance of Asda, right between the security scanner things, for no adequately explained reason.

Drive along country roads at 26 m.p.h. Note: You MUST wear a tweed hat whilst driving.

Learn how to ignore queues at the bus stop or in the Post Office, and how not to say thank you if someone holds a door for me.

Learn how to pretend to be deaf, yet, strangely, complain that the music’s too loud.

Learn how to complain about 'the draught'.

At Christmas, claim not to drink, saying: “Oh, all right then. Just a small one.” Then, claim that the unsteady feet and slurred speech “Must be the blood-pressure.”

Dribble, spit, and slobber whilst eating in company. Note: to be really disgusting, on no account close your mouth, and always speak when your mouth is full.

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