My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. - Henny Youngman

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to Interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than is wife did.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and have bought jewellery.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

All marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems. - Shelley Winters.

Be kind to your mother-in law. Baby sitters are expensive.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. 

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. She doesn't like to be interrupted.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always".

If you'd murdered your wife ten years ago, you'd have been released by now.

The chief cause of divorce is marriage.

Married men should forget their mistakes; there's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

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