I am a complainer. If I believe that I have not got what I have paid for, or have otherwise been poorly served, I will complain - often to good effect, resulting in compensation in gift vouchers, cash, or money off. This collection, despite earlier warnings suggesting the contrary, is made up from paragraphs I have used myself when dealing with companies. Here’s a tip: If you feel you are getting nowhere with a firm, find out the name of the Managing Director, and write to him personally at the company’s head office. Your problem will usually be resolved in a few days. (Now, where did I put that dead parrot?)

This morning, I received yet another call from your ‘service centre’ asking to make an appointment. How can you meaningfully use the term ‘service centre’ when you can’t even keep proper records as to who or where your customers are?

I refer to my letters of 4th May and 4th June. The fact that I have heard nothing further tells me a lot about what large companies really think about customer care. I shall make sure that everyone of my acquaintance gets to know about it.

If you want to do business with me in future, it might be helpful if you were to demonstrate some sort of efficiency on the internal communications front so that I am not bothered needlessly again. This may at least give me more confidence should I wish to contact you later on.

Thank you for your letter of 7th June. Unfortunately, it is another example of the sort of incompetence that prompted me to write to your MD in the first place.

Let me explain again, using short words where possible. What I want from you is one letter containing:

Further to my letter of 1st June, I have today received another letter from your organisation for the collection, and enclose a copy. You will not be surprised to hear that it leaves me more confused than ever.

Surely it is not beyond the wit of your various offices to talk to each other rather than exasperate, and possible lose, customers? I await your early explanation with considerable interest.

I was told that the person concerned was not available, but would ring me back. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of believing the person I spoke to, and therefore did not retain the ‘phone number I had been given. I have heard nothing since.

I believe the jargon for this is ‘Customer Care’ - a phrase which, apparently, means the opposite of what it says. I await your comments with interest.

Over the last few months, I have been assaulted by a bewildering array of missives from ostensibly different parts of your organisation. I am now writing to you in the hope that you can use your influence to persuade at least some of them to communicate with each other, with a view to letting me know what is going on.

Will you please find someone who is conversant with the concept of Customer Care, and ask them to enlighten all concerned, including me. I think, too, that in view of all the time and trouble I have been put to, some kind of recompense would not be inappropriate.

I refer to our telephone conversation, which took place at 1:45 this afternoon, and am writing in the face of your unwillingness to confirm the contents of our conversation in writing yourself.

I enclose a copy of my previous letter in case it has been filed in the “I hope this isn’t followed up” receptacle beneath someone’s desk.

I refer to my letter of 23rd March, and am concerned that I do not appear to have received a reply. I would have thought that a communications company would be able to handle the simple process of reading and replying to correspondence.

As a large organisation, I am sure that this is not representative of what you would wish the public to recognise as your interpretation of 'Customer Care', and should be grateful to receive your comments, along with confirmation that the 'Installation Charge' was a clerical error and will be refunded.

I refer to the attached copies of notices, both dated 26th January, I have recently received from you in respect of the above. As they appear to contradict each other, I should be grateful if you would let me know which is correct.

Perhaps you would be good enough to find someone who knows what they are doing, and ask them to get in touch with us and make the appropriate arrangements.

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