Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Don't fit a snake detector with Dolby. - Bill Bailey

Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.

Abstinence is a good thing, but it should always be practised in moderation.

Aiming high is one thing, but it is no good if what you say goes right over everybody's head.

Always draw your curves first, then plot your readings.

Before trying to persuade anyone of anything, first convince yourself.

Before you open your mouth to speak, please make sure it's an improvement upon the silence.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Beware of the Voices.

Dare to be different.

Do not follow where the path may lead... Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. - G.B. Shaw

Do not regret growing old; many are denied the privilege

Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each day as it comes. - Donald Kaul

Don't be afraid to go out on a limb; that's where the fruit is.

Don't be afraid to take big steps. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.

Don't eat yellow snow.

Don't insult the alligator until after you cross the river.

Don't laugh at the coffee. You, too, may be old and weak, one day.

Don't Lie. Just arrange the truth in your favour.

Don't live in the past - it wasn't like you remember, and it's never coming back.

Don't promise more than you can deliver.

Don't say what you don't mean.

Don't shoot the messenger.

Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Each day, learn something new and achieve something different.

Get the facts first - you can distort them later!

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

If all else fails, lower your standards.

If all else fails, read the instructions.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, CHEAT!

If at first you don't succeed, give up.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it. - Bert Lance, 1931.

If the telephone rings, answer it! If it doesn't, ignore it!

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. - Catherine Aird

If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.

If you do something badly enough, someone else will come along and do it for you.

If you don't have enough time, blame yourself.

If you don't like the answers, don't ask the questions.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

It is always the best policy to speak the truth - unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar. - Jerome K Jerome. (dare one say: "or a manager"?)

It is better to do something in bad taste than to be monotonous.

Never assume that people heard what you said - or that you understood what they really meant.

Never explain - your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway. - Elbert Hubbard, 1907.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Never kick a man when he's down. He might get up again.

Never let your studies interfere with your education.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off for good.

Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

Nil carborundum illegitemi!

No one ever got into trouble by keeping his mouth shut.

Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Really experience today - it will never return.

Respect other people's views and allow them to be different - you may be wrong.

Save energy: be apathetic.

Smile more often. You might find it suits you.

Smile. It will make people wonder what you've been up to.

Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.

Take interest in your future. It's where you're going to spend the rest of your life.

Take my advice...I'm not using it.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have it made.

The time to start economising is before you run out of money.

There are two rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

To hammer nails in without hitting your thumbs, let someone else hold the nails.

To improve your memory, lend people money.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

When arguing with a stupid person, be sure he isn't doing the same.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When in doubt, mumble!

Treat each day as your last, one day you will be right.

When you're in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut!

Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching.

You don't have to explain something you haven't said.

You don't have to walk on other people to become taller.

You never test the depth of a river with both feet. - ancient African proverb

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the Statue.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

Never kick the dog up the bum when you've got your fingers in its mouth. - Mike Harding

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

Procrastinate Now!

And now some silly advice:

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away!

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools:

WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

[Home] [Office Life] [Quotes] [Quotes A] [Quotes C] [Quotes D] [Quotes E] [Quotes F] [Quotes G] [Quotes I] [Quotes M] [Quotes P] [Quotes R] [Quotes S] [Quotes W] [Oddities] [Contact]