Yes, we’ve all heard them, but this is what they really mean. I’m just grateful that I don’t have to put up with this sort of garbage any more.

What did come as a surprise, though, was the fact that this page had come to the attention of the Plain English Campaign, and that in March 2003 they posted a link to this page from their web site at http://www.plainenglish.co.uk (see their updates archives). Anyway, read on and enjoy. As always, if you have any contributions for this page, E-mail us.

Don’t forget to look at the ‘Right To Reply’.

I'll see what I can do.

• I hope you'll have forgotten by the next time we meet.
• You're not allowed to speak to the person who can actually take that decision.
• The answer's no. But I haven’t the balls to tell you to your face.

We are not in a position to comment.

• It's none of your damned business.
• You probably know more about it than we do.
• We haven’t a clue what’s going on.

Restructuring programme.

• Redundancies.

We are undertaking a strategic review of our business.

• We’re panicking, because we nearly went bust.
• We’re about to announce some redundancies.

I can't promise anything.

• The answer's no. But I haven’t the balls to tell you to your face.
• I hope you'll have forgotten by the next time we meet.

I've seen nothing in writing.

• Prove it!
• I have no intention of doing anything about it.
• All evidence was shredded a long time ago.

My hands are tied.

• You're not allowed to speak to the person who can actually take that decision.

There will be a meeting about this soon.

• I hope you'll have forgotten by the next time we meet.

After long and careful consideration.

• No.
• I've had more important things to deal with.
• I'd forgotten all about it.

I'll look into it.

• I have no idea what you are talking about.
• I had no idea this was going on.
• I hope you'll have forgotten by the next time we meet.

I'm sorry.

• ... that you remembered what I'd said.
• No.

We are looking to recruit at a more junior level.

• You're too old.

Measurable objectives.

• Never mind the Quality, feel the width.
• Impossible targets.

Managing our cost base.

• Redundancies.

Improve profitability to remain competitive.

• Make people redundant.

Procedures have now been changed.

• Someone cocked up again.
• We found someone to take the blame.

This is a transitional year.

• We'll have to get rid of some people to avoid going down the tubes.

Re-profiling of staff levels to reflect new trading conditions.

• We were caught with our trousers down and will have to make some redundancies.

We encourage outstanding effort and achievement.

• We want you to do unpaid overtime.

This is not just a question of reducing costs.

• Oh yes it is!

I apologise.

• But just don't expect me to be sorry.

We have no plans at present.

• ... but we will have soon.
• We intend to do it, but haven't finalised the plans.

We do unfortunately lose some skills but it also gives those people remaining an opportunity to increase their skill base.

• Untrained and inexperienced people are cheaper to employ, more malleable, and less of a threat to insecure management.

The rationale as to why the roles are redundant will also be explained to all affected staff.

• But don't expect the truth.
• There is no rationale. Either your face fits, or it doesn't.

We used a range of scientific techniques.

• Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Mo. ...
• One potato, two potatoes, three potatoes, four ...
• Heads or tails?
• Scissors, paper, stone.

You will need a strong work ethic.

• We want you to do unpaid overtime.
• Your job comes before your home life.
• We don’t care how much we screw up your social life.

The decision as to which roles are redundant is being made by individual cost centre managers for their area of expertise.

• Managers were given the opportunity to remove those who posed the greatest threat to their authority without the need to give a reason.

[Home] [Office Life] [Manager] [Right To Reply] [Dictation] [Office Quotes] [Our New Logo] [English] [Resource] [That Place] [Quotes] [Oddities] [Contact]